USA Hoff Command: Operation Freedom Burger T-shirt

DAVID HASSELHOFF IN SPACE. YES, THE HOFF, FLOATING, DOING THE MOST EPIC TWO-HANDED FINGER POINT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN. PLANETS TREMBLE. STARS APOLOGIZE. OVER HIS SHOULDER, A RACCOON. NOT JUST ANY RACCOON. A HISSING, MENACING RACCOON. IT KNOWS. IT KNOWS HISTORY IS HAPPENING.

IN FRONT OF HIM? A BURGER. THE BURGER. SO TALL IT BREAKS THE UNIVERSE. IT DEFIES GRAVITY. IT DEFIES REASON. BEHIND HIM? A MACHINE GUN FLOATING. NOBODY KNOWS HOW. FUCKING MAGNETS? EVERYONE WISHES THEY COULD DO THAT. ABOVE HIM? THE LETTERS “USA”. HUGE, BOLD, GLORIOUS. BIGLY. AN AMERICAN BALD EAGLE SWOOPS. THE FLAG FLUTTERS. WHY? BECAUSE SPACE BELONGS TO THE USA.

THIS T-SHIRT IS NOT FOR THE WEAK. IT IS FOR WINNERS. COSMIC WINNERS. IF YOU DON’T WEAR IT, YOU’RE BASICALLY SAYING YOU’RE OK WITH MEDIOCRITY IN THE GALAXY. AND LET ME TELL YOU, NOBODY WANTS THAT. NOBODY.

BUY IT. WEAR IT. OWN SPACE.